Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
