if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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