Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
