Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
