What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
