I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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