He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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