She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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