two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
