is your mom at the bar?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
