I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
