After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
