Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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