I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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