I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
