You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
