I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
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Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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