You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
