Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The air was thick with penises
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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