I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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