If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
