I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
