Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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