I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Michael Bay diarrhea
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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