I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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