My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
