Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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