Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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