God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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