i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
