I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize