we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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