Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
