Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
