she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
