The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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