and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
