Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
