Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
