WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
