I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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