i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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