the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
