things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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