This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There r osticjed everywhere
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
