I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
