Non-Jews are for practice
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
