mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just had sex bonerless
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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