dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
