I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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