I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
