i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
