HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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