He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
