Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
high people should be assigned attendants
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
