So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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